Nanny..
Truthfully this will be difficult to write. When I started to write my blog I made the decision to be completely raw and put myself out there, to stand with with only the truth of my words. From the time I was born I grew up in a loving household with not only my mother, but my Nanny and my Papaw off and on. My earliest childhood memories start with this incredible family unit. My parents were divorced and myself and my mother went to live with them. My mom worked hard everyday taking the bus to college to get her degree in the medical field and working at the same time to build a new life for her and I. In the mean time.. during the days I was with my nanny (and Papaw). In the evenings when my mother would come back home from her hard days at school and work, it was a communtiy of family and love. My nanny played a huge role in helping to raise me off and on. Anytime I close my eyes and reflect on the past.. every memory has her in it. Playing with me, coloring, gardening, me helping with dishes standing on a step stool, dinner time, walking me to school.. you name it. Through the years our family stayed so close, like a never ending circle of togetherness. I wish so much that I could express with words what she has meant to me my entire life.. I will have to settle for what my mind can articulate instead of letting each of you put your ear to my chest and listen to my heart for your self.. Of course years passed and I grew up and got older, still going over almost every day. My favorite things that I hold so precious now are the simple things like going over with my mother, Aunts, and Nanny and just laughing and talking at the kitchen table. Eating. Sitting outside on the back porch feeling the breeze from her trees on the hill.. As I sit here so vunerable to you writing this I can see a snapshot of all of us on my desk at the Cheesecake Factory on one of our "Girl Days" at the Greene.. Us gals.. My best friends and some of the greatest loves of my life: My family.. We did almost everything together. Then it happend.. The "C" Word.. My nanny had been having some trouble swallowing and went to her family Doctor to have it checked out. From that point on things begin to blur.. A Tumor they said... Biopsies soon followed and before we knew it a sentence of stage 4 Esophageal Cancer was put into all of our lives. My nanny had cancer. Cancer.. How could this have happened... To her. This woman so genuine and who had touched so many others lives with her kindness and openness to love and accept others. A woman who would open her home to anyone who needed to feel the love of a mother or feel the sense of a family. To the woman who impacted my life so greatly, that this had now punched a hole through my existence. Soon after, treatment began to follow. Agressively. Chemo Pills, Chemotherapy, Radiation etc. Sometimes I wonder if the "treatment" was worse then the cancer.. My family and myself was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions. She was diagnosed in June.. That August my nanny's brothers and sisters from other states came into visit.. Thats when I knew what was really happening. It was a "we aren't sure if this will be our last visit" trip. As we all sat outside with extended family I sat on the ground and rested my head on my Nannys lap who was sitting in a chair. She always had a way with saying nothing but saying everything with a kind simple gesture. She wrapped her arm around me as if to comfort me. ME. Even in her time of need, there she was, thinking of someone else. It should have been me comforting her. Looking back I wish so badly I had the right words at the time. I stayed quiet mostly. I was afraid that If I opened my mouth to speak about what was happening I would just fall apart when others around me needed to stay strong. Eventually.. things worsened and she couldnt eat due to the treatments making her ill and the tumor size in her throat. A feeding tube was placed... And it broke my heart. Just in a short time span I had to watch my beautiful healthy Nanny evolve into someone with a few strands of hair and who couldnt eat, or barely walk. I tried to learn how to "feed her" incase I ever had to. If anything could crush you, that was it. (My mom took care of my nanny daily.. the strength of my mother during this time is something to be admired..)This woman who I loved beyond expression, who took care of me, turned into myslef now sitting helpless trying to help take care of her in any way I could. Again.. things began to progress with her illness.. she was in and out of the hospital for various things due to complications from her treatments. At this point in time I was newly pregnant with my Son. During one of her hospital stays I sat with her by myself. She was awake but seemed to always want to close her eyes. Maybe it made her feel better because it was like shutting off the world. As I sat there in the softly lit hospital room I hung my head and prayed silently. With my Nanny right beside me (hopefully resting comfortably) I felt my baby kick me for the first time..Ill never forget that moment. It was like she was able to be apart of it in a way... When she was released to go home I realized her only nutrience were cans of Ensure. She tried To eat other things or drink but just couldn't.... Shortly there after the holidays were approaching. Thanksgiving Time. I remember just sitting and taking in the scene around me and realizing how sick she was. I went to a bedroom to sit and write her a small token of words. I simply wrote "On this Thanksgiving, I am Thankful for you. My nanny. I love you". Sealed it, And neatly placed it on her night stand. Then Christmas time came... She had just returned home from the hospital (again) this time from pneumonia.. she was weak, wore a head scarf, and was on oxygen. I again was at a loss for words that I now so desperately regret. So we opened our gifts and sat around her.I took her feet into my lap and rubbed them trying to offer the same wordless comfort she has offered to me many times.. A few days later she was back in the hospital.. On New Years day I had gone to visit to be with her and my mother. Im so happy I made that choice.. Little did I know that was the last time we would be able to speak... The details are too painful to go into after that, but she was put on Life Support that very same night. For long days and for long nights, my family and I never left her side. On January 13th 2013 we had the honor of being at her bedside to say goodbye.. Together. Singing to her. Rubbing her hair. Speaking everything we wanted her to know before she left this world to go to be with the Lord. We all held her as she took her last breath. I can remember holding her and holding her hands and trying to memorize every detail of her that I could to hold onto. Its been a year now and this experience has forever changed my life and who I am as a person. A forever hole blasted through my heart. My husband held me for days. Its still so hard to come to terms with it and I personally struggle with forgiving myself for the "what if I could have done more"... Sense becoming more involved with Beachbody and Shakeology It makes me wonder if having had these tools a year ago, if it could have made a difference for her outcome. Shakeolgoy is a super food protein MEAL with the most beneficial vital dense nutrience your body needs and craves.. This instead of Ensure could have made a hell of a difference.. In my opinion. Ive read stories of other cancer fighters and survivors who made shakeolgoy apart of their day and had amazing outcomes. 70 different super foods from around the world. Thats incredible and Truthfully I wish everyone could drink it daily. Im left with the "what if" this could have helped. "What I wish I would have Known"..
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